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The Day the Spandex Crushed My Soul (and appendix)

Dear Spanx,

Today I tried to use your amazing product to suck in and smooth my cellulite. I pulled and pulled them over my ample thighs and got sweaty, making matters worse. And then, I got stuck—in spandex—and fell and hit my head on Formica. As I clung to a countertop in order to right myself and retrieved the garden shears to remove those glorified control top pantyhose, I thought, “there has to be a better way.”

There is a better way, Spanx, if you’ll only hear out my incredible idea. Remember those dolls with snap-on clothes? So easy to pop on and off. No pushing, tugging, pulling. No screaming and crying.

I know it will be a “stretch” to create snap-on Spandex, but think of all the happy customers, saved from terrifyingly claustrophic moments of “Where does my skin end and this stuff begin?” “Will it peel off or adhere like SuperGlue?” “Will I ever be able to use the ladies’ room again?”

Think of the possibilities. Think of the internal organs your product has crushed over the years.


Breathing again in Virginia.

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Connie Kuykendall

Author, Attorney, Curled Crusader

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